exalted_e: (awesome e; bad ma)
So after a while, exchanged few traumas, I am here.

It may not be a bad thing, but I don't remember anything. - It may not be a good thing...

Anyway, when I took a look at this Dw, I liked it.
My intentions and style may be lost, I'll try to go in a curious direction though.
I'm saying I'm making this my home.


Since the line between now and then is disconnected, any like obviously impossible to be true now, I am (I mean I have to) bombing my interests...
It's a sad thing. But can't be avoided!

Interests (32): [Edit] [Remove Some]

aiboualcoholanimationbiblecolumbodrawingfilmmakingfood, forgetting death, kaijukamenashi kazuyakekkai sensen, l-elf, law, letterwriting, locksmithingmathsmatsumoto junmecha, medical manga, medicinemodellingmonstersmysteryodagiri joepiratess - saigo no keikansakurai shosato takeru, taiyou to umi no kyoushitsu, trigunushio to tora

bye bye, rightful me ... I guess

exalted_e: (battle - concept)
I always pray. I don't believe in God, in any god, but I pray almost every time I think.
And I never stop thinking in the first place: I mean, even though I'm perfectly capable of actually not thinking...
I never pray to be alright, succeed, for world peace. Of course, I believe you should just strive for those things yourself.
I pray too often to count; naturally. And only for one thing:
that people get more logical.
When I speak of it outloud, I usually say 'intelligent', more intelligent. Because folk don't see the most direct opposite of "being stupid" is logic. They themselves don't think that by 'intelligent' I mean just intelligent.
And at the same time, if I said 'logic', they'd mostly believe I want the world to be more me, not less stupid.
It's complicated.
Also, I sometimes make an exception for internet connection.
exalted_e: (all thought ends in death)
The adults around me have only taught me these things: to be silent, to manage stress, to calm rage, to not to trust adults, to not to rely on adults, to work on the background, that human memory is completely unreliable and therefore scary, that two people quarrelling are foolish, education of youth is important, eliminating irresponsible influences is important, nothing is certain, it's important to learn to not to be honest, even more important to be honest, kids have the rights that they make for themselves, good teachers make a difference, greed is silly and widespread, never bother with someone who strongly believes in a point, that I should learn everything if possible, what is asthma, fantasy is cool, film is cool, being naked is cool and to write a diary.
So, you know, no wonder I kinda lost the intention to grow up/don't consider myself an adult. Because that's a complete list. And because the least nice of them are the most true.
I really think that's also why I've always been such a career hungry workaholic (tried to get independent in as many senses as possible as soon as possible), like kid shows and games and through life wanted to be something important or criminal, where only one profession didn't fit into it, and that would be being a teacher.

Even though I was always oddly mature and had friends in oddly old crowds, I am sure I will never stop being a kid... Of course I'm all too weary, and not up to date, and degraded. Maybe more than I should be, being a high schooler and not a pensionist. Actually, I can't wait, I feel like it's too late; like I want to teach and marry now. But that doesn't stop me from sewing monster plushies, asking why can't I write on walls and inside, wanting to be a hero. The kids laugh at me when I'm playing around without embarrassment and when I'm being serious. The multi-diploma friends look down on my teenage-girl manneurisms. Go kishi can't follow me and littke siblings think I'm too grumpy.
And I don't care. I know things they don't know that I don't want to tell them about.
If a wasn't a "kid" - an old kid, I maybe wouldn't realise how fucking awesome to point beyond any imagination life is.
I think my logic and morality were nurtured to be contrary to what is around me.
And when you add those two together ...I'm epic. Besides dying, there's no thought more scary to me than being like them.

. . .

Chinamini, my ever favourites are Ao no Jidai, Kamen Rider OOO and Kagi no Kakatta Heya (in the tv show medium overall)! Though I haven't really seen these in years... Which is making writing OOO fanfic kinda hard. XD
exalted_e: (what are you looking for?)
I'm afraid I can't review this before posting, I dug it outta a certain file and can't write any of the characters having these thoughts, seeing as I just don't remember anything about them. Well, for now...

Also, precisely because it is all just feelings, I suggest you don't read it unless you've seen the source very recently yourself. For that fresh grip on the charas!!


The rush was too much and exactly what he was looking for.
Every fibre of his body was on edge and so, so enjoying itself. True, a bit of disgusting pang afterwards, but.
He'd know what to do and that he could.
He was simple-minded enough to wait...
A bit like choking on oneself, he'd patiently sit it out; even with that itch.
And it would come, forth, forth, the time for a great punch of life and: that was great.
Too great.
Being on top. Yes, he was always in that weird state. Like neither before something happens or after it does but as if everything was present and the present was so ultimate his puny little brain didn't know what to do with it. - Except his body did.
And that was a ride XXX one'd be willing to hitch..!
I just want to know. What it means. I feel a weird music in my body, or maybe in my mind, or maybe I have none.
I ought to move, that's the only thing I feel. Weak, but naggingly nudging me. As if that weak force was everything that moves me. ...And not the powerful want I know I have. 
Somewhere. For something. Maybe just flying. But what the hell..?
For now I can taste and touch the little things, not that I'm planning to settle, but I'm waiting for the right time. Which there will be.
Mystery. On second thought, it's not that I need to know. Understand.
I'm just breaking out of something (with no effect, arguably). And it feels as if that was exactly the way it was supposed to be. - Which fuckingscares me.
It wasn't his intention, not originally. But a stranger who became a buddy all too quickly (yet completely naturally) became an object of passion almost startingly. It wasn't that out of nowhere, nor that strong, but...
He was a throughoutly calm person. Could get angry, but yes, he was sure of that. After all, even if he didn't constantly employ it, he had control. And knew world mostly required you to be calm.
But it was like the other lad's existence - no, his presence poked into him sharply, and not "I can deal with this" like a blade or "ehm" like an unsorted joker's hand, *annoying*, hard to shake of feeling of making way through a meadow of throny things.
He'd have to give him this intense look, speaking everything, clear in his position, even if he didn't want to. He had to watch the line of that open shirt disappearing in lazily laid-over coat, the monotone but always provoking grin of can-have-it-all smugness with no wavering, no uncertainties and had to go down the pants...
And he didn't want to leave it at just that. Out of courtesy, he gave his partner time. Of not pressuring into something else and making waves searching for answer.
Some time. Then he seduced his captain aggressive. And it didn't even surprise him how well it worked. After all, they sure had similar tastes...
Insatiable. Uncomfortable. Somehow vague, bland, empty.
But so, so full.
Of that something, just one thing, one direction: rule working them all.
No matter what tune he'd make for himself and just himself, be who he be... That didn't work.
And idiots he'd come to know would just pass like a train window scenery.
Picture after picture, not in swift movement of one glide, oh no... But does it matter?
As long as you can go forward, somehow, following what seems to be you. You play by the rules and get by, quite literally.
Though there's one thing that doesn't fit - it's cold. And divinely pleasant, oh yes!
He only had one second chance.
He was fucking making then most out of it. Because to repair the past by reaching the future as fast as possible, that was one thing. but he also needed the possession he already had.
Few troubled kids. That seemed to always know in which direction he will go and why he reached out a hand. Really, just a random gathering, but. That kind of thing was the same as family, it was out there. In here. This time, leisure on surface, he cannot lose that thing.
If not then, now it's entirely on him. And he knows that too well...
Just hopes no nosy guy can sense that off him. 'Cause he also knows what that kind of guy would do.
And that wouldn't do. That's not how it will be today. 'Cause that's his thing.
And something he can completely do, by the way. Even if it tears him godawfully small pieces.
He at least has that kind of power, he knows.
It has to end.
Everything has to end.
You can try doing something, but in the end fate, flow of time will always arrive at some sort of conclusion it had in mind, on the big scale. In hindsight.
And that means it's easy to be wary even as you certainly don't act that way. Like trusting what you don't believe or believing what you don't trust or doing what you know is right despite yourself or playing a game with yourself.
Endings just need smoothing out, and to make sure something will be born out of them. No real preparations or regret necessary.
Just a decent outlook and the will to do whatever it takes.
Looking straight ahead. Yes, that's it.


exalted_e: (Default)
Exalted E // Exalted

December 2016

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